Past Journal Entry #1

Ocassionally I will post journal entries that I have written in the past. They really convey the raw emotions that I continue to experience. A lof of the emotions are the same, but in different contexts. I will say that it is extremely difficult to share these journal entries, as they contain my innermost thoughts and feelings. It is scary to open up like this. However I believe that sharing this will be beneficial for myself and hopefully others. I hope you are able to relate to me in some way, and if not, I hope you take the time to understand what it is like for me to live with this disease. Someone you know may be feeling the same way. That someone may even be you. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it means a lot that people spend the time to open their minds to read my stories.

May 20, 2010

It has been a month since I have written in my journal. I wish I had bettter information to report. I was just in the hospital AGAIN for 5 days. I am still in HORRIBLE pain. I mean EXCRUTIATING pain. It is really driving me crazy. I am so incredibly frustrated, yet I still put a smile on my face. I feel if I portray I am strong on the outside, that it will make me feel strong on the inside. I am constantly fighting. I feel so incredibly lonely. I have very few people who call me to check in and talk. That's all I wish that people would do is to take a few minutes to call and see how I am doing. That is not to say that I don't have friends or family who do do this. I just mean that I can go days without talking to people. I understand that everyone is busy and has their own lives. I just feel left out. If only others were able to understand what its like to have your entire life ripped out from underneath you. It makes me wonder, was I even a good enough friend to deserve people calling me? I like to think that I am. A trip to the hospital yielded absolutely NO visitors. My mother always visits me, and this time I wanted her to have a break. She works all day and then comes to visit if I am in the hospital. But other than her, I typically don't receive any visitors. I started a new medication called Cellcept. I have been praying since the first day I took it that this will be the one that will work for me. I cannot live like this, this is no way to live. There is no quality of life. I miss my job. I spent so much time, money, and effort to get my doctorate. I am so proud of myself for achieving that even in light of the seemingly insurmountable challenges I encountered. Yet I persevered. I miss helping people. I miss play therapy with the kiddos. I even miss meetings to discuss clients. I miss relationships with colleagues. I miss doing things, having a social life, having fun, being healthy. I miss getting coffee in the morning before work. I miss living on the West coast, where I had the best and most caring friends anyone could ask for. I am sick of writing about the things I miss, yet I need to get it out so that it is no longer eating me up inside. It is so difficult watching everyone go about their lives while I remain stuck. Years have gone by and I am still at the same place. No medications have worked, I am still in bed most of the day, in pain, fatigued, lonely. I only hope that I am closer to finding an effective treatment plan. I have to be hopeful. Without hope, what do I have? Nothing. If I lose hope, I may as well give up. And I am not a quitter. I do not give up. I did not quit school when I failed my competency exam, and boy did I want to. I moved forward, stronger than ever. When I was ill and wanted to quit school because it was too difficult, I kept going. I relied on the support of my friends and  family to get me through it. My inner strength helped me trudge through the difficulties with dignity and pride. I have to keep my chin up, deal with the cards I have been dealt. I know things may be challenging, but it could always be worse. I need to try and focus on what I do have rather than what I don't have. I need to keep trying. I cannot give up, I won't give up.