I felt pretty good today....SAY WHAAAT?

That's right. I felt good up until now! Granted I have only been awake since about 10am, so that was only 4 hours. But that's typically all I get. And when you are used to being sick and in pain all the time, 4 hours is well received. You are all going to think I'm a fake now! JK. I really am sick all the time. It really is awful.

I went out and ran errands with my mom today. We do that every Sunday. I was acting all goofy because I felt pretty good. My mom and I were talking a lot about my life, and how I feel as a result of always feeling icky. I feel like I cannot accomplish anything. I feel useless and purposeless. Worthless. Like I am just a shell. I feel I have so much to offer, but I am not able to utilize my skills since I am in pain and never have the energy. Imagine having strep throat, the flu, and having had no sleep for a few days....That's how I typically feel. My throat hurts every day, so much so that drinking water, talking, and eating are difficult. Even swallowing my own saliva is painful. Most mornings when I wake up, there is a gigantic amount of drool all over my blanket because I cannot swallow my saliva while I am sleeping. Disgusting, I know. But it's the truth.

Anyway, I was telling my mom that should I get my life back in order and am able to get a job, I fear failure. I used to be confident, especially when it came to my professional life. I was confident in my abilities as a child therapist. I was rarely nervous or anxious about anything. I now feel anxious about so much. Little things, too. It is difficult to describe, but I feel so awful because I want my life back. Yet I am terrified because I feel I wouldn't even know where to start. I know it would fall into place when the time is right. But it's hard because for the past four years I have not been able to do much of anything. Four years. That's a long time. Imagine being sick every day for four years straight. Actually, I have been sick every day for the past five years, but one of those years I was completing my internship. I forced myself to go to work every day. Had I not been able to complete it, I would have been kicked out. I would have then had to go through the application process all over again. The process of applying for a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology is extremely competitive. There are more people applying than there are available internship positions. Therefore, about 2,000 people in my year all over the country did not get matched. I spent about $5,500 on traveling fees. The goal was to get 5-7 interviews. I got 17, which is one of the highest in my cohort. Should they see that I had previously been matched, but was unable to finish the internship, it is not likely that I would be amatched again. Despite the fact that it was due to medical reasons, clinical directors are more apt to want someone they know is physically capable of showing up for work every day.

I worked so hard. Thinking about it right now makes me really upset. I think of my friends who were in my classes and I know how successful they all are now. That was supposed to be me. I was supposed to have my own practice by now, or at least be preparing to start my own practice. I should have had a large portioon of my student loans paid off. Rather, due to financial difficulties since I am unable to work, I am in default on all of my loans. That is a topic for another day. I don't need to think about that right now and get stressed out.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. I wonder what you all did this weekend....please share some fun things you did this weekend!