Thoughts....

My world is upside down. I am having a pretty bad day. I was in pain all day. I was barely able to walk, as my achilles tendons hurt so bad that I could not flex my feet or ankles. Of course, now that it is midnight, I am feeling much better. I want to be able to function.

I find myself thinking about the way I used to be. The person I was. I was happy and energetic. Always busy and engaged in something whether it be work, school, hiking, spending time with my dog Bella and my cat Chase. I had wonderful friends while living in Arizona. I built a life for myself there, and I worked so hard to be able to enjoy it.

I try and stay positive. But it is hard when everything I worked so hard for has slipped away, and I don't know if I will ever get it back. It has been four years since I worked. I finally got my doctorate in clinical psychology, and haven't worked since. Ironic. I wanted to be a doctor for so long, and I finally acheived it. And I have been unable to work as a "doctor" yet. I have to hope that there will be a day that I get everything back. I no longer want to be a bitter person, looking at the world with disgust. Living in a prison that is my body and my disease. This disease defines me right now. It is difficult not to let it.

I feel so incredibly lost. I have no direction. It is difficult to look at those I know and see them achieving things...moving on. Whereas I feel stuck. I feel like a shell. Hollow. There are things that I want to do....I want to be a mother so bad. I have so much love inside me to give, and no one to give it to. I know that I must start with myself, and deep down I do love myself. But this disease penetrates my every being down to the core. Where does the disease end and I begin?

Dealing with chronic illness and chronic pain is an isolating journey. I have drifted away from those who used to be a part of my life. The life that I lead is difficult for others to comprehend. What I used to be capable of doing physically has changed....and unless you have dealt with this kind of thing, it can be difficult to understand. I know that. But everyone has things in their lives that is difficult to deal with. Regardless of what they are, these challenges should bind us as a race, bring us together, connect us. But I have found that that is not always true.

I long for a life where my very existence does not center around this disease....Where I am able to be free of pain....I am not sure that is ever going to happen. Therefore, I guess I have to learn to live in a manner in which I create the most out of what I am capable of doing. Hopefully, that will allow me to pave a road where more is possible. Negativity breeds isolation, fear, closedmindedness. I do not wish to be a negative person. I believe everything happens for a reason. Perhaps I have not learned whatever it is I need to learn from this lesson in order to move forward. It is difficult for me to share this part of me. I don't want to appear weak. But I do not believe I am weak. It takes more courage to share this experience and to face it head on than to hide from it and avoid it. So share I will. And I will conquer the inner demons that prevent me from creating the life I wish to have.