5 year anniversary

This is the 5 year anniversary of being back in Illinois, being pretty much bed ridden due this being the sickest I have ever been, and feeling so unproductive.


In addition to the physical aspects of this disease, the psychological components are equally challenging to cope with. I feel like I so lazy and useless. I went from being at the top of my class and graduating with a doctorate. I joined a private practice for postdoc, and was on my way to a successful career and the life that I had planned out for myself. Then BD reared it's ugly head. And off the beaten path I go. I feel so lost. I don't think I will ever find my way back. But that's probably not what's supposed to happen anyway. I think the whole point is for me to forge a new path, a new journey and to find a new purpose in life. Let me tell you how difficult that has been. I am thankful to have found all the new friends because of this disease. I really want to start my book, which  I have been saying for the past three years so I need to get on that. I think that once I start that I will feel like I am actively doing something. I need to do something that I know will ultimately help someone. That's why I got my degree in psychology-to help others. I have been talking to my friend BJ quite a lot (shout out girl!!) and feel so blessed to have connected with her. We laugh so much and it's so healing. We are able to discuss everything from our symptoms (some of which may be awkward at times) to anything else..... it's like once you open that gate and realize the other has BD, there is an instant connection and you feel like you can talk to that person about almost anything!!! She knows what I am going through since she has been bed ridden for a similar amount of time so she feels the same way. It's nice to have her as a sounding board and we are able to motivate each other and push one another toward greatness. We cannot allow one another to give up.


I just can't believe it's been 5 years. I am approaching 35 years old....I need to get my butt in gear and start doing something that will allow me to make a difference. The hardest part of this whole process has been accepting myself for who I am with this disease. It has totally disfigured my body because of the steroids. It has changed my personality.....I no longer recognize myself. I need to do something that will allow me to accept myself and feel whole again. I feel like I am broken into little pieces scattered on the floor. Time to pick myself up again and put the pieces of my life back together.