Upcoming Birthday Brings Mixed Feelings

As I prepare for my 35th birthday this upcoming Friday, I find myself having mixed feelings surrounding the date I came out of my mother's womb. I typically enjoy birthdays....I always love any reason to celebrate, especially birthdays! Yet as I approach this birthday I am filled with negative emotions and thoughts about turning the big 3-5. Why you may ask? Well, I am a go getter....Type A personality, like to accomplish things, and especially like to feel like I have a purpose in this life. Since I have been sick so many things have changed. In the beginning I was still able to work and exercise and go out and live my extrodinarily fun and exciting social life. I was a happy go lucky girl who was always smiling. That girl has since hibernated and been replaced by this unrecognizable stranger. Not only have I changed drastically on the outside, but my personality is become increasingly different.


I worked so hard to be able to obtain a doctorate prior to the age of 30. I thought this was a huge accomplishment, something that most people cannot say they have done. But I did it for me and psychology is my passion. However, all of that has been on the back burner for the past 6 years. I have spent my entire 30's in bed for the majority of the time, sick and in pain. I have been hospitalized too many times to count. My life is centered around this disease, no matter how hard I try for it not to be. This IS my reality. I am in the midst of an identity crisis as I search for meaning and purpose in my life. It's not that I feel like I should have accomplished a certain number of things by a certain time....It's just that I feel the past five years I have done nothing. And that's so hard to come to terms with.


I have so many things that I want to do and get out of my life and this disease is preventing me from doing that at this moment. I want to travel the world. I want to get married and be a mother. I want to begin working again as a psychologist. I want to have my own house so that I can have my family over for a holiday. Simple things like that last one that most people take for granted. As I write these words, tears stream down my face, each one symbolizing a lost dream.


I know that I have found a niche in helping others who are also suffering with medical issues. I enjoy helping people find doctors, learn how to advocate for themselves, or simply listen to them as they express how it feels to live every day with constant pain/illness. They find it is easier to talk to me or someone else who is ill because I understand.....I know what they are going through. Most people in their lives are not able to comprehend exactly what it feels like to live with a chronic illness. And that's okay. But everyone needs their feelings validated, and that's what I can provide for them-validation that their feelings are okay and not wrong. I just wish that I was able to get some semblance of normalcy back into my life. I try so hard.


I have been planning to write a book for many many years now and have so many ideas written down. I think that possibly now is the time to really start and take it seriously. My rheumatologist tells me every time I see her that I NEED to hurry up and write my book. She wants me to do so many things to help others and has big plans for me. I just also need to figure out how to do something that will bring in income. I know everything is not about money, but at this point it is a necessity.


Thanks for reading and I apologize for not writing in such a long time! I hope that everyone is doing well. To those of you with Behcet's or another medical problem, may this month bring you health and relief. I will be praying for you.