Another hospital visit......I should receive a special hospital room

Yes, it's true, the hospital was lucky enough to have its most frequent visitor as a patient again this past week. Fortunately, I did not have to be admitted. The ER doctor strongly encouraged admission, but my primary care doctor voted against it because due to my immune system being compromised, he didn't want me exposed to any more germs.

The reason for my visit? Gross information will follow....But the purpose of this blog is to be honest, so here goes. I started feeling very ill a couple of weeks ago. I think I wrote a post about it. I ended up being hospitalized for cellulitis infection. I was given antibiotics, one being Cleocin. I had taken Cleocin about two months prior for a tooth infection. I did have bad side effects, namely diarrhea, that lasted the duration of the course of antibiotics. But it quickly subsided once I had completed the treatment. This time, however, the diarrhea turned serious very quickly. I had diarrhea for about a week before I began having serious abdominal cramping pains. I was in the bathroom all the time. The pain was excrutiating. Then, there was blood in my stool. This has happened to me before approximately two years ago when an antibiotic killed all the good bacteria in addition to the bad bacteria, resulting in what's known as a C Diff infection. It's not fun, severe pain and diarrhea (with blood), and can be VERY dangerous. It can be fatal. Since I am on cumadin and have a clotting disorder, this exacerbates the situation because there is a higher risk of increased bleeding. Last time I was extremely close to needing a blood transfusion.

My doctor encouraged me to go to the ER to get IV fluids (since I was dehydrated), pain meds, and to get tests done to determine the diagnosis. I had a CT scan of my abdomen, which showed a lot of inflammation in my colon, which is called colitis. The C Diff test wouldn't be back until the following morning. I went home and was really suffering. I was unable to eat much. I had to push fluids to avoid further dehydration. I was truly miserable. I was emotionally a mess because I am so sick of dealing with one medical complication after another. I never get a break! It's so hard to deal with. It's really starting to wear me down and its becoming quite overwhelming.

The next morning I had not heard from the hospital regarding my test results. A few times when I went to the bathroom, it was all blood. This really terrified me. You could possibly hemmorage and die if the cause of the bleeding is not determined and treated effectively. That is scary to think about. I called around noon for the test results, only to find out that they were negative. Although I did not want a C Diff infection, at least that way I would know the cause and know how to treat it. Now I was stuck.....I know that Behcet's can cause the exact same symptoms that I was experiencing. But it was too coincidental that the symptoms began while taking the antibiotic. So I went to the doctor on Friday and he believed that the symptoms were due to the antibiotic. I hope this is true. The symptoms have been slowly subsiding over the past few days, and I think I am close to being done with them. But now I am getting tons of new mouth and skin ulcers, so a new flare up is starting.

I feel utterly lost. Laying here day after day after day.....My life's purpose is slipping away. I am alone. I am trying to remain hopeful. I try to keep myself busy to keep my mind off the daily struggles that I am faced with. I feel like I am a burden on my poor mother, who is my primary support. She takes care of everything for me. Takes me to the hospital, always stays with me, picks up my medications when I am unable to, takes time off work to drive me to doctor appointments, and much much more. I don't know what I would do without her. But I can't help but feel like a total burden. It's hard to feel like this....to come to terms with needing help with things. Prior to moving here, I was so independent. I accomplished a lot of things that many people won't accomplish in a lifetime. I obtained my doctorate all the while trying to fingure out what was going on with me medically. It's hard because I spent all that time and energy and money to get a doctorate so that I could be financially stable so that when I met the guy I would marry, I would be settled and ready to start a family. I now have no money. I have nothing to look forward to. People don't think of the little things that get affected in one's life when dealing with a chronic illness. And it is difficult for anyone to comprehend unless they are affected.

Well, thank you for letting me rant and vent. It is sometimes necessary to get everything out so that I can replace the negative energy with poitive energy in order to go on. Can anyone relate to anything like this? Feeling like a burden, feeling like their life is over? Having to change your entire life because you can no longer do the things you used to? Please share, if you feel comfortable, what kinds of things you have noticed that are difficult to accept and adjust to now that you have been ill for a while. I appreciate the comments becasue it allows us to support one another. Thanks again for reading. Hope everyone is doing fairly well, and as always, my prayers are with you.