Past Journal Entry #2

This is another excerpt from my personal journal. Again, I stress how difficult it is to write these entries for the world to see. This entry is dated September 9, 2011

I am starting to decrease my steroid dosage again. I cannot believe I have gained ALL of the weight back that I had previously lost so quickly. I feel like I made so much progress, was starting to move forward. And now I feel as though I have taken many steps back. I am so incredibly lonely. I have never felt this isolated...ever. It makes me cry and feel so depressed. I am so tired of this disease controlling my life. I feel like I want people to hear my story-Iwant to share my experiences with people who are willing to listen and who want to be educated. I don't know what to do anymore! I am completely lost. When will my life turn upward? I know I have a choice to respond in a positive way, and I do try. I try so hard. But I pray that I am able to get into remission. I am so good at what I do, and I have wanted to help kids and families, to feel productive, to continue on with my life journey. There has to be more than this. It's so hard to watch others live, do things on the weekend, have fun and exciting things to look forward to. My body and self-image has taken such a negative spin. When will I look in the mirror and recognize the face that is looking back? When will it be MY turn to find someone special who will be by my side-to marry me and start a family with? When? I fight this battle each and every day with the hope that I will move forward and live the life I have always wanted. I can deal with being sick, but I want to be able to rise above and function. I want to function like a normal adult. I worked so hard to obtain my doctorate. It was such a huge accomplishment-even though I had so many medical challenges that I kept to myself throughout the process. Now I just want to use my education. I want my body back. I want my friends and social life back. I am so afraid that this is going to be all I get. I feel so lucky to be alive and have my family and my dog and my cat as support. I am so inspired and motivated to do so many things, but the roadblock is so heavy. I need help moving this roadblock so that I can continue on the path I was meant to. I am proud of myself for fighting this battle. I will not give in.